Battle damage. Darren 1, Winter 0.

I went up to the Handlebar and as I was finishing a pint, thinking no snow-biking tonight, Carl came in looking for a ride. So he an I headed out to Lincoln Park and the Lakefront path, up north to Belmont and then down to Soldier Field. He fucked up something on his rear rim on our second or third time down the hill in front of the Field, so he caught a bus home downtown. Altogether, probably 18-20 miles in the little bit of snow and slush we had. But fun. A blast, really.

I took a tumble in Lincoln Park just east of Armitage, and broke the end of my right pedal and bruised my left ankle pretty well. Battle damage. Darren 1, Winter 0.

Right now, I'm doing a last bit of laundry before shower and bed. There's a small chance, vanishing as a I write, that Laura G. is going to call to go out tonight, so I'm just continuing my ADLs. Tomorrow promises to be a fulfilling day if I'm not overtired as I'm likely to be. But damn, it was worth it. Hopefully tomorrow will be as well.

Too bad there's no way for me to translate the essence of the horn line of the song I'm listening to into text, to title this post with.

So after some tea and some cleaning and some rocking out, I'm feeling better. (Laura W. told me "labile" was a good mood descriptor the other day.) Maybe it's because the sun set and there's still light snow coming down. I don't think it hit the two-inch threshold to declare snow-biking, but I'm going to head over to the Handlebar later to see if anyone's heading out. If not, I'll have a pint and get some snow-biking of my own in. Actually, I'm still drinking the tea, which is about a third irish cream.

Someone's lighting off huge fireworks over the park across the street right now.

I was thinking the other day that a lot of my decision-making is fear-based. Or rather, fully admitted to myself that it is. Granted, a lot of the big decisions that resulted from this have worked out alright anyway. I think I chose Northwestern for its proximity to Chicago - a city I was at least familiar with, considering my reasonably sheltered suburban upbringing - as well as its proximity to my parents - but not too proximal; I still wanted to get the fuck away from them, just not too far away. Same deal with not studying abroad in college - a bit of that was pure laziness on my part, though most of it was fear of the unknown. There're probably many people I never got to know well due to not only to a pretty irrational fear of rejection, but a fear of the active life they lead. In the relatively few cases where I've gone ahead and challenged my fears, the results have overall been positive, and my life has become fuller for it.

I think I've gotten better in the last few years. (This is part of maturity, right?) Still not perfect, by any means, but what is in this world? At least now I recognize the fear component in my compulsive choices, and can disregard it if it's not rational.

Hell, I've decided to practice in the city since I've grown to adore urban life, and want to be surrounded by its vitality and decay (oxymoronic, I know) daily, even though it's considered a less savy economic decision in the practice of orthodontics. Yeah, it's riskier for me and will take more work, and it's kind of a personal boogie-man of mine, but I'm feeling more and more strongly about it daily.

The same with biking. I've grabbed it by the handlebars (yuk, yuk) and taken to it, despite my initial reticence toward getting into traffic. It's a matter of familiarity and comfort - now when I stick to side streets, it's usually safety-motivated due to traffic intensity. Danny comments how when we ride together, he rides in the traditional right side of the road position and I pull the center of the lane.

I think it was really falling in love for the first time that showed me that I enjoy new things and being surprised, that comfort and controlling my environment can sometimes be an insidious trap. Ironically, that same relationship led me to complacency in promoting my own personal development - it was only afterward, when I found myself once again progressing in the task of living and refining a more ethical life for myself that I realized it. But that's a story for another time, if you don't already know it.

Please save me from the super-powers that I don't believe in.

I just woke up from a 30-minute nap on the couch. The kind where you start feeling sleepy while sitting up, and just kind of topple over to the side with your legs still hanging off in sitting position. I'd like to get some reading for my board exam done tonight, but I really don't see much chance of that happening. Who knows, though; I could very well find myself bored and in need of orthodontic stimulation later this evening. First, though, I plan to do some badly needed laundry and light cleaning.

At WNUR last night, I found myself feeling apathetic toward the show. I don't know why, exactly. I mean, when I can do a really good show, I enjoy it. I think maybe I was just too lazy to really pull a good variety of music. It's a toss-up - most of the kids doing the show don't really care enough to really branch out and explore the stuff they normally wouldn't listen to and do a well-rounded show, but I don't want to put in the time to do it all myself. Maybe I'm just too attached to the show. I want to stay involved at the station, but I don't want as much responsibility as I've taken onto my shoulders. Which means a diminution of show quality, most likely.

I remember that four years ago, when I was still dating Sara, we'd both planned on cutting back. The difference then was that I was working my ass off studying with school and had trouble making free time, and there was a pretty good crew on the show: Phil, Terry, Laura W., etc. Then Sara and I broke up and after that Marta and I started dating and I was pulled back in full-time. And when friends departed the city for further pastures after dental school, and Marta broke up with me, DJing gave me something to do and look forward to. Music in general did, really. Of the people there now, Travis is the only one that ever goes to shows - and even then rarely.

Maybe that's what I need to do now - just cut back and not go in every week. Maybe after phonathon in a few weeks, that's what I'll do. It'll be nice to not have an every-Saturday obligation.

I met my dad for brunch in Wicker Park this morning. He told me that my brother seems to be unhappy with life, due partly to his medical conditions, and partly due to his feeling that my parents pushed him too hard without being supportive enough. I told my dad that neither he nor my mom have been very supportive outside the academic/professional realm, and he shrugged it off as them just wanting us to succeed. Regardless, the meal was good. My dad bought me a new scally cap he found for $10 somewhere.

The gray day outside is really affecting my mood. Or should I say "effecting?" Yesterday it was sunny and I was in a good mood; today the sky is sludgy gray and I have no desire to do anything at all, even though I've been out to run a few errands. I think I'm going to make myself some fortified tea and see if life can get back into me.

The WNUR Phonathon all-staff meeting is Wednesday; I think I'll use it as an excuse to ride my bike up to Evanston - and back. That should be fun. Thursday is Ska Night at Delilah's, and Friday is Critical Mass. Both also fun, especially with some winter biking thrown in.

In other news, my calm-the-fuck-down plan seems to be working pretty well. Of course, I can be easily excited and overly optimistic, two traits which lend themselves to disappointment.

I love Braid's "Collect From Clark Kent." Brilliant song.