Too bad there's no way for me to translate the essence of the horn line of the song I'm listening to into text, to title this post with.

So after some tea and some cleaning and some rocking out, I'm feeling better. (Laura W. told me "labile" was a good mood descriptor the other day.) Maybe it's because the sun set and there's still light snow coming down. I don't think it hit the two-inch threshold to declare snow-biking, but I'm going to head over to the Handlebar later to see if anyone's heading out. If not, I'll have a pint and get some snow-biking of my own in. Actually, I'm still drinking the tea, which is about a third irish cream.

Someone's lighting off huge fireworks over the park across the street right now.

I was thinking the other day that a lot of my decision-making is fear-based. Or rather, fully admitted to myself that it is. Granted, a lot of the big decisions that resulted from this have worked out alright anyway. I think I chose Northwestern for its proximity to Chicago - a city I was at least familiar with, considering my reasonably sheltered suburban upbringing - as well as its proximity to my parents - but not too proximal; I still wanted to get the fuck away from them, just not too far away. Same deal with not studying abroad in college - a bit of that was pure laziness on my part, though most of it was fear of the unknown. There're probably many people I never got to know well due to not only to a pretty irrational fear of rejection, but a fear of the active life they lead. In the relatively few cases where I've gone ahead and challenged my fears, the results have overall been positive, and my life has become fuller for it.

I think I've gotten better in the last few years. (This is part of maturity, right?) Still not perfect, by any means, but what is in this world? At least now I recognize the fear component in my compulsive choices, and can disregard it if it's not rational.

Hell, I've decided to practice in the city since I've grown to adore urban life, and want to be surrounded by its vitality and decay (oxymoronic, I know) daily, even though it's considered a less savy economic decision in the practice of orthodontics. Yeah, it's riskier for me and will take more work, and it's kind of a personal boogie-man of mine, but I'm feeling more and more strongly about it daily.

The same with biking. I've grabbed it by the handlebars (yuk, yuk) and taken to it, despite my initial reticence toward getting into traffic. It's a matter of familiarity and comfort - now when I stick to side streets, it's usually safety-motivated due to traffic intensity. Danny comments how when we ride together, he rides in the traditional right side of the road position and I pull the center of the lane.

I think it was really falling in love for the first time that showed me that I enjoy new things and being surprised, that comfort and controlling my environment can sometimes be an insidious trap. Ironically, that same relationship led me to complacency in promoting my own personal development - it was only afterward, when I found myself once again progressing in the task of living and refining a more ethical life for myself that I realized it. But that's a story for another time, if you don't already know it.