Is there an optimistic turn on the horizon?

Right now I'm sitting in the dark, listening to the old MP3 player (and I mean the old one, not the new one; the old one I save only to plug into the various stereos in my house for random home-made radio stylee) and recovering from the drunk I got myself on. The only chilled drink I had was Irish cream, and I drank most of a medium size bottle while watching a cheesy action comedy I borrowed from Mike last weekend.

That's me when bored and depressed: opiating myself with alcohol and television. The American way. How pathetic.

Eleven to your seven, yeah.

After watching the movie, I lay down on my kitchen floor, watching the full moon with the lights off until I either sobered up or dozed off. I think I did more sobering up than dozing off. As often happens when I'm feeling depressed and lonely, my thoughts turned to my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know it's been almost two years since we broke up, but it was my first time really being in love, so there's still some latent emotional sewage to wade through. Overall, I think I've made progress. And for more on that topic, you'll have to find a copy of my zine when it comes out, as soon as I get my shit together and finish it.

Yeah, so I've got a bunch of great ideas. I'm drunk enough still that I feel optimistic enough that if I write tonight it'll be an accomplishment. I'm also at the stage where I don't give enough of a shit, and if I'm not about to pass out at the end of my writing bout, I think I'll put a new inner tube on my bike and go for a ride somewhere. I'm not sure where. At least an hour or so, maybe exploring the north side.

Who the fuck knows where this night will lead?! Drunken romantic reminiscence followed by rambling music-driven bicycling! All on an empty stomach and a bottle of Irish cream! What an exciting life I lead!

I'd trade it all for a friend to sit on my couch and talk with me.

The Broadways, "Rainy Day":

You've been down for so long
The world can really do that to a kid
But you can't dwell on that shit
Gotta make the world the best you can
But there's not reason for crying
Whoa-oh, keep on trying
Drink everyday to make the pain feel like it wasn't really there
Kill dreams in front of TVs
That is just what they love to hear
Maybe sometime...I will get off this fucking couch
I won't let this world drag me down
Kids like you and me will be free
Maybe sometime I won't have to wake up
And see another rainy day
A boring afternoon
There's no prize at the end of this rainbow
No one to love
No one to talk to
So I'm gonna grab my umbrella and run outside
No rain's gonna drown my ambition
Gonna make it this time

I want to cry and throw things

I was all keyed up to go on the Oak Park-Evanston Meet-Up Mass tonight, and I get out of school and I have a flat fucking tire. By the time I got it patched, there was no way I'd be able to get home, put on a new tube and get out to Oak Park on time. Dumb fucking luck.

Right now I want to cry and throw things. The weather is so great for a bike ride, but I'm too fucking demoralized to care anymore. I might get together with Tara later, but I don't hold high hopes for that. Everyone else is busy.

Have a great fucking weekend. Choke on your plans.