My week has been altogether awesome and shitty at the same time. Well, not at exactly the same time; there were altogether shitty moments and altogether awesome moments.
Awesome moments included a lot of hanging out with Laura G. Late night hang-outs, a fucking kickass dinner we cooked together - really, she did about 90% of the food preparation and kept me busy with other things - several hours of lazing abed, and, oh, the conversation. Very smitten with that girl, I am.
She was touched that I had fresh flowers for our dinner, and she loved the cheapo plastic vase I got at the grocery store four years ago for its character. Even when I pointed out that it was a cheapo plastic vase that I got at the grocery store four years ago, she said at least it wasn't some plain clear glass thing.
Dinner was fucking awesome. She even put together a menu.
I put candles all over my place - I'm out of candles now, by the way - and a lot of old ska, reggae, and soul songs on, and it really made my fucking day, especially since my day was pretty shitty until she came over.
I spent most of my day with her yesterday. She called me up to go get breakfast before I even got out of bed, and afterward we came back to my place for napping and just lazing around. It was a blast. She blows me away.I was able to meet up with Phil last night. It was fucking great. Stories were told. Laughter was made. Musical discussions were had. Beer was drunk. He met my girlfriend. Seriously, I think he and I were riffing off each other all night long. Phil managed to both irritate and make friends with the WNUR kids. It took us almost 20 minutes of Fast n Loud to get to our second song...
Friday I went to a hardcore show in the basement of Humility Gallery in east Pilsen. None of the bands were that great, but the vibe and the energy were totally worth it. Punk rock is probably the only genre where attitude and energy can get you past the not great music mark. But fuck it was cold. My feet were almost numb from the concrete floor when I left. There was unmelted snow by the door, and a few of the bands were playing with gloves on. The kid working the door mentioned he'd seen me at shows a few times and actually called out my Broadways jacket (which I wasn't wearing that night).
I cut my hair for the first time in a few weeks. It feels good to be short again. I hope Laura G. still rubs it as much as she was yesterday.
Topping out as one of the shittier parts of my week, I was threatened with expulsion from my residency. I was given my first and only written warning for being "intentionally rude to a faculty member." I think my tone may have been off, but what I said was, "Dr. Grubb, let Shana finish." And as Dr. Grubb was rebuking me for my comment, Shana was mouthing, "Thank you," to me as she waited to resume her second case presentation of the day. She thanked me again later. So I don't feel guilty, especially since Dr. Grubb is a politician and egotist who'd already said some publicly demeaning things to and about me. So yeah, I could have said it more nicely, but when someone giving a presentation is thanking me for asking someone else to allow her to continue, I don't feel like I've done much wrong.
As it is, he still hasn't replied to the apology email I sent him, and I've written a much longer draft email reviewing some of the run-ins we've had - I'm going to have one of my classmates read it for tone, since I am definitely not being very objective about this. This episode has made me incredibly keyed up the last four days; I'm not sleeping well, and I'm running through a million bullshit scenarios that I know intellectually aren't going to pass, but good luck convincing my emotions of that. I go to bed feeling ecstatic and wake up with my mind telling me how I'm going to continue being insulted until I react and have my career derailed. I know it sounds ludicrous. It is. But I feel I'm walking very close to the line of what constitutes "unacceptable" behavior, and could easily lose my temper with him again...
Today's been particularly shitty. I woke up feeling like shit again, after sleeping five hours. I sat in bed and read The Lord of the Flies from beginning to end, which is not exactly a pick-me-up either. Anyway, by the time I rolled out of bed I had absolutely no drive to do anything, not eat, not read, not drink. The perfect activity would have been sitting by a fire watching things burn. I can pass hours that way, plus the dry heat is never unwelcome, especially in the winter. But since that wasn't available, I moped around with my brain spinning out scenarios of my career derailing and it started me onto a bit of a despondency. I'm wishing I spent more time bashfully resting my head on Laura G. when she was here yesterday.
Ryan K. and Laura W. have both expressed doubts as to whether it's a good idea for me to be so candid about my insecurities or feelings toward Laura G. since it's very possible she could be reading this after linking from my myspace page. I've considered whether or not it's a good idea myself, but I feel I've worked too long to be able to be this honest with myself to hold back. I don't want to feel I'm repressing something just because it may not place me in the most flattering light...and I have the confidence now that Laura will bring it up with me if there's something written here she doesn't feel good about.
Right now I'm staring another busy week in the face with no progress made on any of the work I'm letting pile up. I've got downloaded music from Lifetime, Bill Haley, and the Scotland Yard Gospel Choir to listen to, though. Who the fuck knows. Nothing's getting done tonight, that's for damn sure. Hopefully I can get some sleep. If not, hopefully it's because Laura decided to come over after work and we hang out until the early morning again.
