Empty life

Trish called me today to talk and say hi...and I really had nothing to tell her. Not that I didn't want to talk to her, I just had nothing to talk about. My life is really that empty, I realized. It's all school and music, and really, most people don't give two shits about either. I mean, half the time when I go out with people I feel like I was invited as an afterthought or out of pity.

I wonder how bad things will have to get before I get over my shyness and get proactive about making new friends.

$67 is the most I've ever paid for a show by about $40 or so.

I'm getting psyched for my trip to Vegas this weekend...I mean, free four-star hotel, some possibly interesting educational opportunities (NO, I am not talking about prostitution!) and a great show.

So far it's cost me $299 for the airline tix and $67 to see the Pogues and Against Me! on Saturday night. Ticketbastard added something like $12 in fees to a "$52" ticket (House of Blueshit added another $3 "facility charge"). I believe that's worthy of being called financial ass-rape. I'm gonna try and flow as much free food from the conference as I can. Hopefully I can avoid the over-priced club alcohol. Free reception at Madam Tussaud's Friday night, though, so that should fill me up.

I"m fucking excited. The next month is going to be crazy show-wise:
The Pogues/Against Me!
The Falcon/The Copyrights
The Bouncing Souls/The Street Dogs/The World/Inferno Friendship Society
Lucero
The Lawrence Arms
Heavens

I may not have any voice left by Thanksgiving. Rock on.

Anyway, I've got to plan on doing some laundry and cutting my hair before I take off on Thursday. I finally feel like I'm getting handle on my thesis, though, which is nice. I ate a free half-chicken for dinner tonight. It's no wonder I've gained weight.

Jesus helps me trick people.

Laura stayed on my couch after WNUR last night, and was already gone for Mad City by the time I woke up this morning.

After pissing half the day away looking up stuff for my Vegas trip next weekend and looking into records I've wanted to get, and then indulging in some music piracy, I headed off to school.

I discovered another 15-20 research articles I'd filed to be read, so I read some of those, and put some into the circular file. I shot the shit with Chris and Ryan too, and ate a dinner that was probably twice as big as it should have been.

This weekend was pretty good, especially considering the inauspicious start Friday night. It was the first time in a month that I've gotten around to blacking my nails, and it was kinda depressing to take it off tonight. I got to dress pretty light this weekend too, thanks to the Indian summer we've been having here in Chi. The bike jersey I wore yesterday was pretty comfortable and looks odd enough that I'm tempted to get more, but I bet they cost a pretty penny. Today I broke out the camo shorts again, plus a baby-blue T-shirt stating "Jesus helps me trick people." - perfect Sunday apparel.

The new record from The Draft is pretty good, but not great. It's like the continuation of Hot Water Music's decline.

No patients tomorrow, just a ton of boring lecture.

The crust of salt on my skin tells me that the clothes I'm wearing would be best aired out, or even better, washed.

Today's riding almost made up for last night's missed riding. If it were longer with a large group of friendly people it would've been fantastic.

After a long drugged-out sleep, I got up and rode up to the Irish American Heritage Center off Lawrence and Elston to sit in on Laura's class. It was pretty fun. I don't think there's an Iranian-American center like that in Chicago - it would be cool to get more in touch with my ethnic roots. The American rural Christian life of my mother's side I think I've had enough of, however.

Anyway, I rode the 7.5 miles up there, had a decent free lunch, sat in on the class and learned something, talked with Laura a bit, then rode the 9 miles to school to do some labwork and get some reading done.

A productive day here at UIC: I got my unit ready for Monday morning inspection, treatment-planned a case, and finished reading the papers I had out for my thesis. Tomorrow I plan to start putting together either criteria or questions for my surveys and formalizing my protocol...I also need to start filling out the IRB forms, I suppose.

Laura's coming to NUR tonight, as well as some new faces, so that should be fun. Right now I need to ride home and shower and change, as I've gotten pretty ripe with all the riding. I've also got a keen new bike jersey I got as a thank you for presenting to the Odontographic Society (they were leftover from a few years ago). If it weren't so rank, I'd wear it the rest of the night, but the crust of salt on my skin tells me that the clothes I'm wearing would be best aired out, or even better, washed.

In the meantime, ruminate on the irony: the actress playing Mary in the Nativity movie is 16, unwed, and pregnant.

Is there an optimistic turn on the horizon?

Right now I'm sitting in the dark, listening to the old MP3 player (and I mean the old one, not the new one; the old one I save only to plug into the various stereos in my house for random home-made radio stylee) and recovering from the drunk I got myself on. The only chilled drink I had was Irish cream, and I drank most of a medium size bottle while watching a cheesy action comedy I borrowed from Mike last weekend.

That's me when bored and depressed: opiating myself with alcohol and television. The American way. How pathetic.

Eleven to your seven, yeah.

After watching the movie, I lay down on my kitchen floor, watching the full moon with the lights off until I either sobered up or dozed off. I think I did more sobering up than dozing off. As often happens when I'm feeling depressed and lonely, my thoughts turned to my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I know it's been almost two years since we broke up, but it was my first time really being in love, so there's still some latent emotional sewage to wade through. Overall, I think I've made progress. And for more on that topic, you'll have to find a copy of my zine when it comes out, as soon as I get my shit together and finish it.

Yeah, so I've got a bunch of great ideas. I'm drunk enough still that I feel optimistic enough that if I write tonight it'll be an accomplishment. I'm also at the stage where I don't give enough of a shit, and if I'm not about to pass out at the end of my writing bout, I think I'll put a new inner tube on my bike and go for a ride somewhere. I'm not sure where. At least an hour or so, maybe exploring the north side.

Who the fuck knows where this night will lead?! Drunken romantic reminiscence followed by rambling music-driven bicycling! All on an empty stomach and a bottle of Irish cream! What an exciting life I lead!

I'd trade it all for a friend to sit on my couch and talk with me.

The Broadways, "Rainy Day":

You've been down for so long
The world can really do that to a kid
But you can't dwell on that shit
Gotta make the world the best you can
But there's not reason for crying
Whoa-oh, keep on trying
Drink everyday to make the pain feel like it wasn't really there
Kill dreams in front of TVs
That is just what they love to hear
Maybe sometime...I will get off this fucking couch
I won't let this world drag me down
Kids like you and me will be free
Maybe sometime I won't have to wake up
And see another rainy day
A boring afternoon
There's no prize at the end of this rainbow
No one to love
No one to talk to
So I'm gonna grab my umbrella and run outside
No rain's gonna drown my ambition
Gonna make it this time

I want to cry and throw things

I was all keyed up to go on the Oak Park-Evanston Meet-Up Mass tonight, and I get out of school and I have a flat fucking tire. By the time I got it patched, there was no way I'd be able to get home, put on a new tube and get out to Oak Park on time. Dumb fucking luck.

Right now I want to cry and throw things. The weather is so great for a bike ride, but I'm too fucking demoralized to care anymore. I might get together with Tara later, but I don't hold high hopes for that. Everyone else is busy.

Have a great fucking weekend. Choke on your plans.

The October Fifth Roundup

It was a busy day today. I feel like I really got a lot done, but at the same time realized how much more I have to learn in some areas. I did some new things and some straightforward things. Clinically, educationally, it was a good day.

Tomorrow we have an all-day lecture from a well-respected gnathologist. Or, as Schneider calls them, Goddamn gnathologists! So I plan on bringing some research reading to do. Or something. I figure I'll get sick of this guy's BS rather quickly.

I decided to go on the Oak Park-Evanston Meet-Up Mass tomorrow night. Which means a 7.5-mile bike ride out to OP and then a rambling 15-mile ride back to downtown Chi and then out to the Billy Goat a mile from my house. Cheezborger, Pepsi No Coke!

After my evening lecture and clean-up and then dinner tonight, I was too worn out to do anything. I really have trouble getting back into that work groove. I slept 8 hours last night and it was wonderful!...I still fell asleep in my 8am lecture today. Tonight I'm going to crash out early as soon as I'm done writing this. Well, I'll shower and clean myself a bit first.

Riding around the city I've seen many many beautiful sights. Or photogenic ones, anyway. I wished I had my camera. Sometimes I think I've been influenced too much by commercial images, though. Well, I still think my photos are cool, and I've gotten good feedback on some of my stuff that I think is hackneyed.

Some good spots, for when I find the time to carry a camera and tripod on the bike:

• Halsted crossing the north branch: great view of the downtown skyline with old steel bridge and industrial areas in the foreground. At night.
  
• Division on the Goose Island crossing: another great industrial foreground with famous skyline backdrop, just look down any cross-street. At dusk.
  
• Off my front porch at night. I was sitting out there tonight after my ride home and it was lit so serenely. It was great. It would take some playing with the camera settings to capture it, but it was so clear and oddly contrasted it was beautiful.

Sushi Tuesday!

Today was a good day. Clinically straight-forward appointments, followed by S-U-S-H-I sushi! Sixteen of us took over half of Sushi Para and proceeded to demolish their all-you-can-eat BYOB offering.

The six miles of riding was also pretty nice. It wasn't really enough to get me really worn, but it did work up a nice sweat. The peach Bicardis were pretty sweet, too.

I also apparently have the ability to drive girls wild with my wink. Too bad I don't have the ability to write for shit.

Fuck this post.

The last week or two I've been totally exhausted. Bone tired. I'm having one of my bouts of self-disgust, too, since I've been rather unproductive and too self-indulgent for my own good. High-calorie shit diet, minimal work done, shit piling up, bleh. I can't even think of anything worthwhile to write here.

The only high point the last few days has been totally wearing myself out biking, and tonight I can't even do that thanks to the raging thunderstorm that started on my way home from school.

Tomorrow night I'm having a ton of sushi, at least, so that'll feel good. I think I need sleep and a lack of distraction. I still have three movies left that I borrowed from Mike last night, so eventually I'll be done with this little phase and get back to life.

I hate my TV in a way that I can never express. I am too easily wooed back.

"Thanks for ruining the picture."

At the beginning of August, I went to a conference for orthodontic residents in Ann Arbor, MI. They took a group photo, after making us move back and forth five or ten times. I don't know why the photographer couldn't just move over.

I got sick of it quick:

Don't sit too close to the TV - it'll rot your brain.

I borrowed a bunch of movies from John last weekend, and I've watched them all already. Not that it was a waste of time, but the ease with which I ignored other responsibilities to accomplish this TV watching was scary. It's really a piece of good luck that my VCR conked out on me last spring. The time is much better spent reading or writing or riding.

Being the total aging emo kid that I am, I ended up watching several romantic comedies. The tear-jerkers. It's been a long time since I've watched a romantic movie - or any movie, for that matter - with someone to cuddle with.

I know it's lame to admit to feeling lonely, but sometimes I feel like my whole life consists of dentistry and underground music. I have trouble finding time to really get together with friends (note that I still had time to watch six movies) or even sleep enough, so I don't know how much of this is my fault.

I'm ashamed to be an American

Fighting terrorism through torture and secret detention, coming soon to a neighborhood near you!

UPDATE: The New York Times weighs in. And, oh, yeah, torture doesn't work.

I finally registered to vote at my new address last night

Well maybe you do but maybe you don't
Exercise your privilege in the right to vote.
Fuck "rock the vote" and fuck all the rest,
What we need to do is throw cans of tear gas.
17% 18-25
It's a total fucking war between us and them,
And our collective middle fingers is what we'll extend.
Fuck Gideon Yago and fuck MTV,
Fuck the state-controlled media that decides what we see.
17% 18-25
FUCK THIS WAR!
You think that you can cope,
You didn't fucking vote,
2 double-0 6,
World War III!
Power to the People!

- The Suicide Machines, "17% 18-25"

March of the Evolutionary Loopholes

My undergrad major was environmental science. At Northwestern, this meant I took classes in many departments: biology, chemistry, civil engineering, economics, political science, geology, etc. Not planning on using my undergrad degree for anything approaching a career, I thought it a great major, since I gained informational background in many areas - a true liberal arts education.

What reminded me of this tonight, though, is the concept of charismatic megafauna, a term I've remembered from the environmental politics course I took once upon a time. It's a reference to animals that have popular appeal and so can form the basis of conservation campaigns and fundraising drives.

In other words, How cute!

Those are the words I heard over and over from my girl friends upon the release of March of the Penguins. I never saw it; I didn't have much interest in a movie about penguin reproduction, especially not with the relentless female chorus of So cute! surrounding any mention of the movie.

Last Friday, though, I was at John's place prior to heading out to the Point to try and light a soaking wet wind-bedeviled birthday bonfire. I was looking through his and Rebecca's DVDs and borrowed a bunch, including March of the Penguins. Tonight I had some time free, and it was the shortest movie available (meaning I could finish it) and so I had some ice cream and watched it. It was nice, it was interesting, and I found Morgan Freeman's narration at times enlightening, and at times way too anthopomorphic, but one thing stands out in my mind.

They really aren't that cute.

I'm not even going to try to write something worth reading

I was thinking the other day, after reading a bunch of random blogs, that my writing has gotten less and less story-like and more and more a list of activities and events that had transpired. It had become so passive. And probably boring.

The funny thing is that this change is probably a subtle and insidious result of my (vain) desire to have more readers. I didn't really give a shit when I started, but MySpace had a rather prominent counter associated with its entry page, and I got all ego'd up in it. I'm going to get back to writing for the art of writing, rather than for some perceived audience.

Right now I'm just exhausted, though, because I'm not self-responsible enough to go sleep on time on the weekend, even when I've got to get up early. I'm too tired to go to Mina's show in Chicago tonight, and I'm not even going to try to write something worth reading.

Low-key night so far

I think I missed the Pilsen Circular Mass tonight. I got to the plaza at a few minutes after six and no one was there, and it was getting pretty overcast. No one else was waiting there with their bike, either. I pumped up my tires and sat for a few minutes listening to music. John Stoner showed up about a quarter past six, and told me that there were heavy showers heading toward the city...I decided to just go home. I also decided to stop by school to use the bathroom, which was a fortunate decision since I got in just after it started pouring big heavy drops of rain. By the time I got out, it had pretty much stopped, and I even saw dusk-painted clouds on the western horizon when crossing north over the Ike.

I had some thoughts on my relationship with food which I'll have to relate at some other time. I gotta run out to Hyde Park for John's bonfire if it isn't too wet, and then over to the Westin for the Bottom Line seminar.

Yeah, so, I live a real exciting life. Sunday I've got to nail down a fair amount of work I need done by Monday.

When you don't control your own government, people want to kill you

Another reason to blame America first: more on CIA illegal domestic activities and torture.

Simple

Sadly, the funniest thing in The Onion this week is a Simple Shoes add that says "Feet stink. I wish we sold beer."

I told them to stop fattening me up

I got my bike back yesterday. $157. That also included the two ankle straps I bought. Hopefully I can go without so much damage to it for a while. Must keep tires fully inflated.

Last night I went out with Trish and some of her friends for her birthday. It was fun, but damn, I was getting tired at the end. We had dinner at Leona's, then went to see Roy Hargrove at the Jazz Showcase downtown. I was so pooped at the end of the night that I just crashed when I got home. This means I haven't showered in two days, so I really must do that tonight.

Marcela keeps buying me food to thank me for helping her out with things. Yesterday it was a bagel, today it was Kit Kat balls. Then Sidhi volunteered to get me food tomorrow. I told them to stop fattening me up.

Aside from having a real busy day, nothing too eventful happened. Tomorrow I need to get my old OrthoPli instruments together to see how much refund I can get from Gary Tippy.

Tomorrow I'm going to meet my parents for dinner since my brother will be in town. The movers are bringing their furniture to their new house tomorrow morning. Friday I'm going to do the Pilsen Mass ride and then head down to Hyde Park for John's birthday bonfire before checking into the Westin for the Bottom Line seminar this weekend.

I wonder when I'll get any work done.

A Photographic Experience for the Night

I got home around 10:30 tonight. I guess I'm back up to fourteen-hour days now. You see, I just spent four hours playing with photos and presentation outlines.

Last March, Neal and I gave a few lectures on interdisciplinary orthodontics to some of the restorative faculty. Afterward, one of my old dental school instructors asked if we'd be interested in presenting at the meeting of the Chicago Odontographic Society this fall. We said yes, of course. We were also asked, through our department, if we'd care to give a similar lecture to the second-year dental students. And, again, we did. And it was good.

So next Monday is the day we have to give our presentation to the Odontographic Society. I luckily planned ahead and have recent photos on the two patients I plan on using (as well as their consent). I spent tonight reorganizing the photos and outlining my part of the presentation. This took longer than I expected, but in the process I've refamiliarized myself with the cases, and picked up things I hadn't seen before, most of them good.

I also spent some time helping out Marcela and Siddhi, and listening to music. Such is life.